Review: Mistworld by Simon Green


Publisher: Open Road Media
Publishing Date: December 2013
ISBN: 9781480471986
Genre: SciFi
Rating: 1.2/5.0

Publisher Description: Investigator Topaz is one of the few honest people left on this cutthroat planet. With her husband, Sergeant Michael Gunn, Topaz does what she can to keep the crooks who run Mistworld in check.
But when the corrupt Empire devises an unprecedented scheme to attack the ESP shield that guards Mistworld, Topaz is the only one who can save the planet from being overrun. An enemy fleet lurks just off world—but it is the enemies at home whom Topaz and Gunn should fear the most.

Review: Oh my, the cover is so bad. It is hard to fathom a novel written in the spirit of SciFi to render such inescapable tedium. I often wonder who comes up with this shit.

Well once you get past the “Spooky Vision” lettering inside of a bubble-cover art, it just doesn’t get much better. Characters were thinly developed due to the over abundance of them. The author tried to give every character in this novel depth and ended up shorting everyone. The story-line is really weak, and I am still not sure that the premise holds up under scrutiny. So you have Mistworld, sort of a haven world for refugees fleeing from the Imperial bad dudes, whom blow up every threatening planet (don’t planets have usable resources? Seems like a waste). Sooooo, why is Mistworld still around you ask? Well, they have this cadre of “Espers” whom somehow are able to protect the planet with some kind of directed force field even though the Imperials have Espers and planet leveling disrupters??? So there is this sneaky plan, whereby the Imperial spys are seeking to topple the current government with plagues etc. in order to wrest control of a shitty backwater planet with no real resources and no real threat to anything. Plus it is colder than fuck with evil and ravenous Hob Hounds. These Hob Hounds are not sentient but kill because they “Delight in the slaughter and the torturing of prey”. Most people know better than to get anthropomorphic when it comes to describing animal behavior. Wildlife just do what they do to survive. It is our own emotive qualities that we ascribe to their actions that ultimately fails.

Now we come to the part where the novel gets really bad. I bookmarked every page where the authors use of adjectives and adverbs coupled with nouns and verbs to describe the actions and feelings of his characters was so bad and overused, it felt as though this was being written by a retarded Hob Hound. FOR EXAMPLE: In the first chapter alone we have Cat (a burglar, really no shit) who either “grins”, “frowns thoughtfully”, “grins scornfully”, “shakes his head dolefully”, “grins broadly”, “smiles complacently”, and “thoughtfully studies”. In the following chapters we are assaulted with this form of descriptive drivel that it begins to seep into your consciousness like a viral malady, slowly gnawing at your sanity. Here is a sampling of tripe that is oft repeated: “sighed regretfully”, “sighed resignedly”, “swallowed dryly x 10”, “smiled ingratiatingly”, “frowned thoughtfully”, “frowns dolefully”, “sighs quietly”, “caressingly”, “creaked complainingly”, “scowled thoughtfully”, “glare thoughtfully”, “gnawed thoughtfully”, “smiles sourly”, “stretches elegantly”, “gnawed hungrily”, “drifted hungrily”, “shook wryly”, “stared worriedly”, “thought wistfully”, “drifting tiredly”, “frowned fiercely”, “padded cautiously”, “crouched thoughtfully”, “shuddered suddenly”, “smiling grimly”, “looks reproachfully”, “nodded grimly”, “smiling ruefully”, etc. etc. I don’t even know how you can thoughtfully frown, crouch or glare. How is it done? How do you heft a sword thoughtfully? I just cannot seem to visualize most of these expressions that the author avails us with. It is literally page upon page upon page of this shit. The editor of this book should be fired, slapped and gnawed on thoughtfully.

There is also a healthy does of Deus ex, where Skye is believed to be dead, but it just so happens that her sister, Jessica, was visiting (a surprise visit on a planet with one town) and the organ legger killed her “mistakingly”. So it is with a doleful frown that I must tell the viewers to pass on this one. If your the author reading this review, you may be smiling sourly.

One thought on “Review: Mistworld by Simon Green

  1. Okay, exactly how does one “swallow dryly”? I mean, isn’t the act of swallowing a liquid activity. I think I “scowled thoughtfully”, “frowned fiercely” and then guffawed noisily after reading that one. Thanx for the chuckles.

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