Review: Kings Crusade by A.D. Starrling

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Publisher: Starrling
Publishing Date: April 2014
ISBN: 9780957282636
Genre: Fantasy
Rating: 2.2/5

Publisher Description: When a team of scientists unearth scriptures older than the Dead Sea Scrolls in a cave in the Eastern Desert mountains in Egypt, a mystery lost to the tides of time is uncovered. Heading the expedition is Dimitri Reznak, the Head of the Crovir Immortal Culture & History Section. But the monumental discovery is spoiled by evidence of looting and half the priceless artifacts Reznak has been seeking for centuries have disappeared.

Review: Cover art is bleh.

This starts out bad in both scene believability and prose. As the novel introduces an adult Alexa (SUPER DUPER IMMORTAL BADASS) we find her on some cliff in the desert with a red tailed hawk sitting next to her. See, the hawk for some reason is not afraid of super duper Alexa hottie (hotter than any model) immortal panties. Must be the ancient pheromones of an Uber immortal. As she readies herself (oh my, what could she be doing!!????) she jumps off the cliff in her flying squirrel suit. She has been planning this abduction for weeks. She is going to squirrel glide her way onto the back of a single engine plane that makes regular voyages through the area. So she lands on the plane with her Okinawan Sais punching through the plane to gain purchase and walks her way to the cockpit where a fight ensues with the pilot. He pulls a gun and fires, she dodges (cause she’s so goooooood and even better looking) he tries to fire again and she snap kicks the gun away, pulls him out of the plane, locks onto him with a thigh master death clench and lands softly while dumping said scumbag on the ground. Where do people come up with this shjt?

The fun is not over. We have 11 uses of the word “muttered”, multiple uses of the word growled, scowled, frowned, drawled, mumbled, muttering, and murmured, all within the first 4 chapters. I lost count after chapter 4 but trust me, it is very high. Fug. “Hey lets expedite my lack of character and scene building by utilizing canned responses to everything.” We also have conjoined words (phrasing) that are utilized in much the same way. For example: “stares skeptically”, “stares impassively”, “watched silently”, “said gruffly”, “exclaims distractedly”, “said accusingly”, “replied curtly”, “grasp reluctantly”. Fug me to heck and back.

As we move along the story-line we find that Alexa super hottie immortal-pants is an expert tracker…..”she brought her hand to her nose, rubbed the thin smear and sniffed…’Engine oil,’ she said after a few seconds. Wow, and here I thought tracking was only done by Indians in old-timey westerns. Well duh me huh?

The plot is pretty good and the story-line is interesting kind of like a physicist pitching an adventure screenplay to a movie producer. It may sound good, but the execution of the product might be suspect. I really don’t get the high reviews on this one. Must be a cult following.

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