Review: The Bookseller by C. Robert Cales

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Publisher: Scarybob

Publishing Date: January 2015

ISBN: 9780982892619 

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: 1.9/5

Publisher Description: Across from Boston Common, nestled into the corner of a cobblestone mall, sits The Bookseller, a bookstore owned by a lovable rare book dealer and his wife, who runs a coffee parlor inside the store. Their happiness is about to be shattered by a violent South American drug cartel with a new, high tech process for smuggling cocaine. 

Review: George and Elizabeth are just perfect. They have the perfect business, they met under perfect circumstances, they have a perfect dog (who understands the English language), their friends are perfect, she’s as beautiful as the day he met her (she has an MBA) and can’t imagine existing without her. She’s rich (but not obnoxious about it), they never have had an argument and Bob feels sorry for the poor masses that don’t have as great a relationship as they do or a sailboat. Sounds like a liberals wet-dream. Then we move onto John Stoner: Rich front man for a mega-developer, general rake and banger of women. Meets a bar floozy who turns out to have the perfect ass, tits, walk, demeanor, personality and voice and falls hopelessly in love (as does she) in a day. He just cant imagine ever leaving her in any capacity as this is the best sex he has ever had. Then there is left foot McGirk the undertaker. Perfect friend to the perfect couple, and Jimmy, the possessed high school jock, perfect friend to floozy and Stoner. Both willing to give their lives for the greater good. Fug me.

The antagonist and all around bad guy is an immortal that lives and dies knowing he will be reborn again with his past life memories and has filled all the vile spots in history. I know that’s not really immortal, more like a Buddhist with Asperger’s syndrome. He is so patently evil that he lives in a castle built from Nazi gold <sigh> and doesn’t evoke repugnancy due to the over the top nature of his evilness.   ” I WILL FILE YOUR SKIN OFF WITH …hmmmm, lets see, two parts water, a 12″ bastard file and crushed rock salt, not the kosher kind……AND FILE YOUR SKIN, MUAHAHAHAHA!!!! oh, and the salt is for the stinging you will feel once the skin is abraded and the water makes it stick to the file, er…..MUAHAHAHAHA!!, oh and YOUR NEXT!!!!”  So you pretty much know by now that the perfect couple shall be ripped asunder by Carlos Evil Immortal Pants, and our timid and trusting douche bags will be born again under a vengeful sun in order to visit hell in a hand basket.  There is no way that evil can win over eternal love, right? I mean fug, George read up on self-defense as a kid and kicked some ass within a week, so its a small step to deal with underworld thuggies, right?

This novel verges on the smug and definitely evokes the same feelings you get when someone smirks at you. As Peter Griffin once said “This novel insists upon itself” (only he was referencing the God Father Part II).  Get this if you want to jump off a cliff with a string of lit firecrackers jammed up your ass.

 

 

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