Review: Apocalypse Orphan by Tim Allen

 

Publisher: Spectrum

Publishing Date: March 2016

ISBN:9781988236018

Genre: SciFi

Rating: 1.0/5

Publishers Description: Commander Orlando Iron Wolf is aboard the International Space Station when a blinking light on his computer console alerts him to a fast moving comet headed for a collision with planet Earth. With no way to stop the impending doomsday, the world descends into panic and anarchy. Massive transport ships are built to colonize the moon, and evacuation of a chosen few begins. Wolf awakens 50,000 years later to a wildly different earth.

Review: This started out pretty cool. An Astronaut whom gets trapped in the coma of a world ending comet and wakes to a strange new world 50k years later (with a full and long beard but Native Americans don’t grow them). His decent and subsequent survey of a new Earth is initially very good as is his preliminary interaction with the natives. Then you really have to suspend your disbelief as the story line turns into a maelstrom of self-indulgent happenstance that is smattered with characters that have no place in SciFi but rather in a Knights of the Roundtable story.

What is going on with that cover? Is that Catwoman?

While there were many things wrong with the story line, Chief Iron Wolf is the worst. So, somehow in the comet with strange radiation and solid methane-something, he becomes SUPERMAN! So later (after much breaking of necks and bashing of brains) someone on the planet finds his particular kryptonite. Fug.  Not only can’t he be hurt (sort of), but every, and I mean EVERY woman loves him and wants his doodle inside her. Forget that he hasn’t gotten laid in 50k years as he is saving himself for an artificial intelligence that just loves him so much that her circuits get hot. Really? He is constantly jumping in cold water to, I assume, relieve the constant boner tension and kill giant pre-historic crocodile like thingies with his hands.

As he joins an honorable King in his fight against the evil ruffians it never occurs to anyone that he has a fully armed spaceship that could save his cohorts from death. But no, only when Iron Douche is in trouble does his AI girlfriend (who is a freaking hot fully interacting hologram) and their ship come to his rescue.  The fight scenes are fucking ridiculous especially the group of……you guessed it, Amazonian type women that fight and fornicate with equal abandon and intensity. Oh, no men allowed, except for Iron Penis as they all want to bang him.  Anyway, they constantly do backflips and handstands while wielding a whip to effective result in battle. Ridiculousness reaches new heights when a Nanna warrior named Nala (really that’s what they are called) fights her daughter for fun. See, her daughter just learned that her mom is a long lost queen from the warrior clam, er….clan and now she is one of the best little warriors after a few months of training and beats everyone with her whip and moves like the wind and can do fuckin’ backflips. Queenie To Be (who moves just like an Olympic gymnast) ends the little upstarts hopes by slowly disrobing her with her whip so she only has leather panties on. Oh and she undoes her tied up hair with the whip to cover her bare breasts. (Bashing head against wall). Weirdness reaches new heights as the Amazonian hidden princess/queen hottie Nala has been rejected in public by her flatlander husband and the only way to restore her honor (without killing herself) is for Super Iron Man Eagle Shaft to publicly have sex with her, with his AI hottie girlfriends blessing of course. Nothing is consummated so we are left hanging……er, erecting?

Abrupt ending is to be had so gird your loins for a punishing sequel.