Review: Caly’s Island by Dick Herman

cover85736-medium

 

Publisher: Venture

Publishing Date: March 2016

ISBN:9781469961767

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: 2.4/5

Publishers Description: Six skilled retirees are meeting up for a sailing trip, a break from their action-packed former lives. These aging giants, calling themselves the ‘freakin’ old guys’ are hard-working leaders in their respective fields and have a menagerie of skills to show for it. 

Review: This was pretty smug from the get-go. Six, 70+ year olds that just happen to have AMAZING SKILLS! One has a dark past (CIA hint hint) and chases down a juvenile thug because……..HE WAS A GOLD MEDALIST RUNNER IN THE SENIOR OLYMPICS. Not only does he chase down the thief but roughs him up as he is such a badass. “Riiiiight” ……(Dr. Evil face). Another sailing douche is a super lawyer that bangs the thief’s hot stepmom cause old guys get boners too?? ….still?? Anyway, there is a super Federal Judge that mediates everything and an accountant on the run from the mafia but has a hot Ukraine assassin protecting him, yada, yada, yada, fog bank time warp……Islands with mystical beings from lore, some more old guy boners and lots of lessons for the punk kid. Yup, they take him with them and turn……him…..into……a……..MAN! These old farts can do anything!

Well without boring you more than I was, the characters were developed poorly. Meaning they were set up as super old guys and were unable to grow with the movement. The movement is not bad but is constantly sabotaged by righteous and indignant behavior. This needed a good dose of hard-boiled noire and less personalities clouding the story line.

 

Advertisements

Review: Apocalypse Orphan by Tim Allen

 

25213609

Publisher: Spectrum

Publishing Date: March 2016

ISBN:9781988236018

Genre: SciFi

Rating: 1.0/5

Publishers Description: Commander Orlando Iron Wolf is aboard the International Space Station when a blinking light on his computer console alerts him to a fast moving comet headed for a collision with planet Earth. With no way to stop the impending doomsday, the world descends into panic and anarchy. Massive transport ships are built to colonize the moon, and evacuation of a chosen few begins. Wolf awakens 50,000 years later to a wildly different earth.

Review: This started out pretty cool. An Astronaut whom gets trapped in the coma of a world ending comet and wakes to a strange new world 50k years later (with a full and long beard but Native Americans don’t grow them). His decent and subsequent survey of a new Earth is initially very good as is his preliminary interaction with the natives. Then you really have to suspend your disbelief as the story line turns into a maelstrom of self-indulgent happenstance that is smattered with characters that have no place in SciFi but rather in a Knights of the Roundtable story.

What is going on with that cover? Is that Catwoman?

While there were many things wrong with the story line, Chief Iron Wolf is the worst. So, somehow in the comet with strange radiation and solid methane-something, he becomes SUPERMAN! So later (after much breaking of necks and bashing of brains) someone on the planet finds his particular kryptonite. Fug.  Not only can’t he be hurt (sort of), but every, and I mean EVERY woman loves him and wants his doodle inside her. Forget that he hasn’t gotten laid in 50k years as he is saving himself for an artificial intelligence that just loves him so much that her circuits get hot. Really? He is constantly jumping in cold water to, I assume, relieve the constant boner tension and kill giant pre-historic crocodile like thingies with his hands.

As he joins an honorable King in his fight against the evil ruffians it never occurs to anyone that he has a fully armed spaceship that could save his cohorts from death. But no, only when Iron Douche is in trouble does his AI girlfriend (who is a freaking hot fully interacting hologram) and their ship come to his rescue.  The fight scenes are fucking ridiculous especially the group of……you guessed it, Amazonian type women that fight and fornicate with equal abandon and intensity. Oh, no men allowed, except for Iron Penis as they all want to bang him.  Anyway, they constantly do backflips and handstands while wielding a whip to effective result in battle. Ridiculousness reaches new heights when a Nanna warrior named Nala (really that’s what they are called) fights her daughter for fun. See, her daughter just learned that her mom is a long lost queen from the warrior clam, er….clan and now she is one of the best little warriors after a few months of training and beats everyone with her whip and moves like the wind and can do fuckin’ backflips. Queenie To Be (who moves just like an Olympic gymnast) ends the little upstarts hopes by slowly disrobing her with her whip so she only has leather panties on. Oh and she undoes her tied up hair with the whip to cover her bare breasts. (Bashing head against wall). Weirdness reaches new heights as the Amazonian hidden princess/queen hottie Nala has been rejected in public by her flatlander husband and the only way to restore her honor (without killing herself) is for Super Iron Man Eagle Shaft to publicly have sex with her, with his AI hottie girlfriends blessing of course. Nothing is consummated so we are left hanging……er, erecting?

Abrupt ending is to be had so gird your loins for a punishing sequel.

 

Review: The Gordite Witch – Book 1 by Max W. Miller

cover85535-medium

 

Publisher: Ironshield

Publishing Date: July 2012

ISBN:9780985595524

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: 3.3/5

Publishers Description: Earth’s survival lies in the hands of the Dylanians. A young Sadie Mae Stevens must weed through the mystery of her toxic blood and what it has to do with her mother’s death. Sadie recognizes she is different for a reason, no other girl she knew hunted and chained Pigwaller monsters.

Review: Cover doesn’t jibe with the storyline. Sadie has dark skin with red hair. 

This was a fairly short read and consisted of Sadie Mae mostly battling bad thingies. The major fail with the story line is that she has all these amazing powers yet stands passive while she is sold by her father to a group that performs cruel medical testing on their subjects. While there, she meets her teen peers whom also have awesome powers. They have been there a while so it makes even less sense. Adjacent to this testing facility are the good guys that are super speshully smart and nice that know about the sale of gifted children to this facility yet do nothing to alert the authorities. 

In brief this was well written. Meaning the writing is technically good yet the story line suffers from creative confusion and often tries to do more than is needed. This was built for the very YA crowd and is thankfully not riddled with dialogue crutches like “She shuddered, Said softly etc.”. For that we will add a star.

 

Review: A Crown for Cold Silver by Alex Marshall

cover54559-medium

 

Publisher: Orbit

Publishing Date: April 2015

ISBN:9780316277983

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: 4.2/5

Publishers Description: Twenty years ago, feared general Cobalt Zosia led her five villainous captains and mercenary army into battle, wrestling monsters and toppling an empire. When there were no more titles to win and no more worlds to conquer, she retired and gave up her legend to history.
Now the peace she carved for herself has been shattered by the unprovoked slaughter of her village. Seeking bloody vengeance, Zosia heads for battle once more, but to find justice she must confront grudge-bearing enemies, once-loyal allies, and an unknown army that marches under a familiar banner.

Review: I had a real good time reading this and here is why. Fantastic world building and lots of story line movement in the form of disparate character adventures that gradually draw closer and closer. This culmination of events keeps you riveted to the story line from the onset and is relentless in its periodicity. The novel is interspersed with ribald wit and leaves you laughing, it is that funny.

Despite the constant movement the characters failed to really develop due to their personas being cemented in past actions, specifically the 5 villains. Yet the new introductions proved worthwhile enough to follow and later became engaging in specific.  A long read but time well spent. GET IT!